Overcoming Panic Attacks

CAUTION: This article contains some not so pleasant details. Use your discretion in reading it.

I vaguely knew what a panic attack was, when I had one back in 2007, August. Over the month of July, I had been worrying a lot about my future. Things were not working out well with my current advisor. I was looking at my options: Quit department, change department, change advisor same department, quit university, quit Phd. Different people were giving me different opinions and that was adding to my worries. My big worry was funding, will I get funded next year or not? This worry was literally eating me up.
It started as a pain in my chest region, I wasn't sure why that pain was there because I was healthy otherwise. But the pain seemed to be slowly growing over the month of July.
One fine night in August 2007, I was biking back from my department through the school to my home. At some point I became aware that I was becoming short of breath. I stopped riding, got off my bike and went to the side of the road. Then it happened.
My heart started beating fast and soon it was pounding hard in my body, I had hot shivers go through my body and I was having a hard time standing. It felt like I was having a heart attack.
I took a lot of deep breaths and sat down on the curb till I could muster courage to get up and ride the bike back home. That night I had two more panic attacks and it was worse.
I knew two things about what was going on:
a) Whenever it happened, I was short of breath,and I felt like I was heart attack. I reasoned that I was too young to have a heart attack.
b) As if it were not enough that I had a heart pounding hard in my chest, my mind also joined the game and started zipping between places at an insane speed.. Infact I thought that at that insane pace, my mind was going out of control, which could only mean that I was going insane!

Dark night of the soul
That night, through the panic attacks, I prayed beside my mind.. My mind was having its own gibberish thoughts at insane speed, but I was also able to use the mind in between to pray to God. God, what's going on, what's happening.. My heart is pounding, I feel like I am going insane, help me. Please help me...I was totally frightened and overwhelmed by all the drama happening within my body and mind. It is the most frightening and intense experience I have ever had in my life.
From my senior high school years (when I started practicing Shavasana), I knew that the mind-body connect was definitely real. Relax the mind, and that relaxes the body and conversely; relax the body and the mind will become more relaxed too.
At this point at 3 am in the morning, once my panic attack subsided, I had only one option:
Do as many rounds of Shavasana as possible to fully relax the body and hope that the mind would calm down enough for a night's sleep.
I had trouble going through the Shavasana suggestions, since you need to atleast be able to focus the mind and say, 'Relax toe', but my mind was just zapping away carrying me with it.
I would try again and again.. Before I knew it, I would be at the toes again, working my way up.
Finally, after about an hour and many half-rounds of Shavasana, I was able to work my way from the toe to the head in one round.. This was an indication that my mind had calmed down..
I fell asleep while I was doing another of these relaxation rounds...

Daybreak and acceptance
I hardly managed three hours of sleep that night.. And I woke up many times during those 3 hours to observe my mind chattering away.. I had to figure out what was going on.
I googled my symptoms and lo and behold, I figured I was having panic attacks. Thank God, in this day and age, we live just one click away from instant answers.
I read that once you have a panic attack, it's very likely that you can have a few more, since you just need to get worried that you will have another panic attack and that will trigger one.
Panic attacks get perpetuated by panicking!! The way out? Stop panicking... Which is not at all easy, with a mind that goes out of control during panic attacks. I remember walking to Safeway that day, and there was this tall guy at the corner of the building, smoking weed and talking to himself. Looking at him brought out my fear of the insanity that I was going through the night and this set my heart pounding faster, because I was worrying about that!
I read about some strategies to reduce the risk of another panic attack.
The first thing I needed to do was cut out all of my conscious worrying that I did.
I had a copy of 'Conversations with God' by Neale Donald Walsch. I browsed through it and came across this phrase in the book, 'What you resist, persists'. I decided to adopt the attitude of 'acceptance'. Let me just accept my situation, however bad it may seem. Let me let go of my worries. Coupled with these perspectives, I relaxed my body as much as I could during the day, so that my night would be a little more peaceful.
The next night wasn't as intense but I still did have a panic attack. I did my Shavasana rounds and managed to catch some sleep.
That whole week, all I did during the day, was just walk around the campus, enjoy the scenery, relax, read a book, pray to God, and just accepting my situation and being grateful that I am alive: Things I had been postponing due to my worrying habit. And during the night, I relaxed my body as much as I could through Shavasanas.
Every night got better than the previous one.. My panic attacks stopped after 3 days, but I would still be short of breath and my heart would start racing all of a sudden frequently, but the thoughts in my mind started mellowing down, which was a great relief for me.
I continued my Shavasana routine every night for the next one month, and thankfully, I was able to put the Panic attacks behind me and get a new perspective on life: 'Nothing, really, nothing, is worth my peace of mind'.

Making sense of a few spiritual concepts

While reading new-age, spiritual, religious, self-help books, I came across many concepts that seemed conflicting at first. A deeper examination revealed that they build on each other. For example, there is this concept of 'letting go'. A person who hears this for the first time, might sarcastically comment, 'Oh yeah, let go of your job, it's all good'. And then there is another concept of 'following your bliss or passion'. Do these two concepts seem to conflict with each other?
Now, another concept I have encountered is, 'Nothing matters'. Now you are like, 'that's even worse than letting go'. Well, all these concepts have their contextual frames of reference, where they hold good. So here's my understanding of these concepts:


1. Letting go: Letting go refers to letting go of worries and cares, past hurts, grief, anger, hate, etc. It's not about letting go of your passions or your happiness. This concept comes from the larger than life perspective that whatever is showing up currently in your life in the form of circumstances, people, situations, etc are for your highest good...that essentially circumstances you are currently facing are perfect for your spiritual growth despite apparent evidence to the contrary. It comes from the larger than life perspective that life is meant to be fun, life is a game, we need to enjoy the journey and not worry about the destination. That doesn't mean you don't dream, on the contrary, it means that you could dream as much as possible but don't let your circumstances curtail your beliefs that you can achieve these dreams... As you can see, letting go is in total harmony with 'following your bliss or passions', because you have done away with worries and fears that stop you from pursuing your passion through the process of letting go or surrender.

2. Circumstances don't matter, only state of being matters:
This concept is related to the concept of 'letting go'. This concept is essentially the same as "thought-belief-creation paradigm"[2] or the "Be-do-have" [1] paradigm.
Normally, people look at their cicumstances and say, oh I am having a bad time, if only things were better, I could be more happier and enjoy my life.. This is the 'have-do-be' paradigm. That is, if I have my (fill in: money, skills, time etc), I can do the things I like to do, and therefore be happy. The, 'have-do-be' paradigm comes from the belief that happiness is a product of circumstances.
Now, the new paradigm, the 'be-do-have' paradigm is essentially based on the understanding that happiness is a state of mind and therefore be happy, and your circumstances will change for the better. On the other hand, if you choose to be depressed, worried, fearful,and all the negative states of being, then your circumstances will mirror those states of being..You see this is a vicious circle.
The 'be-do-have' paradigm goes hand in hand with the 'thought-belief-creation' paradigm, which states that your thoughts and beliefs create your reality..literally.
I have tested this concept out, works very well. I thus immediately check myself if I see myself having thoughts that are based on fear or doubt or lack. For example, 'I somehow seem to lack the resources I need to pursue my passion'...This thought is based on 'lack', and by our paradigm, you would get stuck in circumstances that reflect your belief of lack.
Thus, we get this concept of 'Circumstances don't matter, only state of being matters' [3] i.e. to say, irrespective of how good or bad the circumstances seem, they can always get better. For that to happen, stop worrying and change your state of being to happiness or joy or peace and once you change your state of being to joy or peace or happiness, you would then create better circumstances from these positive states of being.

3. Nothing matters
This is the ultimate and one of the broadest spiritual concepts I have encountered.
Though it may be difficult to apply, understanding this concept can keep your boat afloat in the most depressing of times. I have personally come to a realization of this concept through some experiences I had in 2007.
I read about this concept in a book and I asked myself, how can "Nothing matter?". Ofcourse, my grades matter. Ofcourse, money matters. How the heck can you say that nothing matters?
It seemed like I was challenging the universe. The universe responded in kind by giving me a profound experience, where the only way I thought I could get out of the situation was by letting go of my fears, and by understanding that even if the worst possible thing happened to me, that would be ok - Once I came to that level of acceptance of my situation and its worst case possibility, the situation cleared magically and all my fears were unfounded. I then realized that this situation had a lesson for me- Nothing really matters.
The broader spiritual basis for this concept is that death is just a horizon[5] and that you always exist either with a physical body in the physical reality or as a spirit being in the spirit realm[1], which indicates that death is a transition from the physical realm to the spiritual realm; and also that the core of your being or the spirit that you are is a spirit of love, bliss and joy. So despite the seeming travails that you face on earth, when you go back to the spiritual realm, it would seem like you just spent a day on earth, and you are back home, full of joy and full of love.
That is why nothing matters on earth or anywhere, for the core of your being is always untainted and always full of love, bliss and is also eternal[1].


Summary
The three concepts of 'letting go', 'thought-belief-creation paradigm', and 'nothing matters' are in perfect harmony with each other. 'Thought-belief-creation paradigm' is very practical, since once you begin to test this concept out([2]&[3]) (and notice that for example, if you have been thinking of someone all day, you get a call from that person or you get a visit, etc ), you have immediately started empowering yourself with this paradigm. Another way to use this paradigm is to have a list of intentions that reflect what you wish happen in your life and then say those intentions or give thought to those intentions everyday. 'Letting go' is also a useful concept, although, this concept is usually applied in practice once a person reaches a certain level of spiritual growth or if circumstances are such that you surrender to god/goddess/All-that-is and trust that the circumstances are assisting your spiritual growth.
Nothing matters is useful if you want to get the broadest perspective possible on life.. Life is essentially meaningless, it is you who assign meaning to it based on your beliefs and expectations. And circumstances turning out one way or the other doesn't matter, because in the ultimate reality, you are a whole, complete being of love, light, and bliss..you(or we) are essentially god in the ultimate reality. This is explained very well in [1].

References
[1] Conversations with god series. Neale Donald Walsch.
[2] Ask and it's given. Abraham Esther Hicks.

[3] Channeling video by Darryl Anka: Circumstances don't matter.

[4] Spiritual growth. Sanaya Roman.
[5] Autobiography of a yogi. Paramahamsa Yogananda.

Wonderful interview with Tulku Thondup 'plus' some reflection

Read it here.
I just ordered the book, "Boundless healing" by Tulku Thondup. I was in the university bookstore browsing through books, when I came across the book. I leafed through the chapters and liked the clear, succinct messages and meditation exercises.

Going beyond reading
Now, the important thing about buying spiritual books, I have realized, is to not just buy them and read 'em up like a paperback novel. Ofcourse, you will be doing that in the beginning, when you get on to this thing called the 'spiritual journey'. Once, you get the basic idea behind what this 'spiritual journey' is all about, it's time for action. It's time to stop bragging to yourself or others about the books you read, and actually implement the principles and the broader perspective you gain through these books into your life and see if there is truth to these meditations and if you feel more peaceful, etc.
I have been meditating regularly since July 11th 2008. Missed only a day or two so far.
Have I become enlightened? He he, that's a funny question.
Well, my understanding is that enlightenment is a process. It's not about getting there and it's all over. No, it's never over. But it get's better and better and better. More peace, more joy, more happiness, one little footprint at a time.

Effects of meditation
So how has my life changed since I began meditating? Again, a funny question. Not much externally. I am still doing research, being a geeky grad student, making two ends meet (well fortunately it does meet comfortably). It's not about what has changed externally, it's about what is changing within me. It's a subtle process, it's so subtle that you don't notice it.. Unless you do. I place a lot of emphasis these days on thought, word and deed. Because, I have come to believe, that what I think, say and act upon ultimately creates my reality, irrespective of how bleak it is out there, irrespective of what others say or think I am capable of, irrespective of.. well.. the list goes on. Note, that this thought-belief-creation paradigm is still a belief, albeit a strong one, in me.
Here's an interesting statement:
Whether or not you believe that your thoughts, speech and actions create your reality, that is whether or not you believe in this thought-belief-creation paradigm, you are right.
Because if you don't believe that your thoughts create your reality, you will see your life that way. You will think that, what the heck, I don't control my life, I just do damage-control all the time life throws the kitchen sink at me.. and you will be right... Because that's what you believe in.
So, there is no escaping this thought that your thoughts, your beliefs, your actions influence your future.

Ofcourse, you can't just explain away your life saying that: I brought on the bad experiences I had in my life, because I didn't take control of my life. Here's where, the bigger picture kicks in:
Certain experiences, especially the "bad ones", act as catalysts for change and therefore are supposed to be part of the "master plan". They force you to examine yourself, to take a deep look at yourself, and ask, what went wrong? Is this who I really am? And then you come to a new understanding of who you really are!!!

Who am I? - The fundamental question
This question, "Who am I?" is the most fundamental question you can ever ask yourself.
Some people might respond, 'what kind of a question is this? I am 'fill in your name'''.
Do you realize that your name is just a label. Now moving beyond, people would say I am my body. Some would say, I am just a bunch of atoms. Really? Do you think of yourself that way?
Because, I think that really forces you to examine how the bunch of atoms that make you up is gelled up together, so to speak, and does not fall apart.
Some say I am my mind. Some say, I am the mind-body complex.
Let's look at what the ancient texts have to say:

1) According to the vedas, we are not just made up of one body, but sheaths of bodies:
The physical body, the energy body, the mental body, the intellectual body, the causal body, and then comes the soul, the real you!
Wow, so if that's true, where is my energy body, I can't perceive it!.. That's a good statement.
Seeing is believing, right. Well, it depends on whether you can see properly or not!
One of the effects of meditation is that I am able to sense energy around me.

Sensing energy
For example, when I sit down to meditate, I sit in the traditional lotus posture (padmasana)
and I curl up the index finger so that it's tip touches the tip of the thumb on both the hands. Two months into the meditation, I could sense energy pulsing in and out of the tip of the index and thumb fingers when I sat down to meditate.
Also, I have had involuntary body movement during some of my meditations.
[Clearly to me, I wasn't causing it. Because, if I stopped the body movement, it would begin again - involuntarily.
I wasn't sick during that time, ofcourse I was having a lot going on in my mind, but no indications of any disease, physical or otherwise. During those early periods of my meditation practice, whenever I sat down to meditate, a gentle 'ticking' would begin at the base of my spine and gradually expand throughout my whole body so that I would be swaying rhythmically within a minute.]

Other small things I notice is that, when I bring my palms together, facing each other, and with 5 inch gap (or any small gap) between the plams, I can sense energy exchange between the two palms. Now, what the heck is this energy exchange? When I move the hands apart, I feel as if something is tearing apart as if a rubber sheet was being stretched apart and when I bring the hands together I feel a pull again. It's a subtle sensation but very distinct. So, again, this is another example of what I mean by sensing energy.
Is this energy I am sensing, a part of the energy body? I don't know, but I believe so. You can't escape belief. You investigate a little, you believe a little. You believe a little, you get more clues and that's the game I am playing here.

Another experience, I frequently have these days, especially when I do visualization meditations or healing meditations (I visualize that I am bathed by healing light that permeates my energy body - oh yeah, putting theory into practice) is that:
I sense tingling sensations or crawling sensations on my head and sometimes on my forehead too.. but mostly on the top of my head. It might be because I have a lot of dandruff in my hair (!!), but why does the tingling have to happen only when I meditate and especially when I visualize healing light permeating my energy body?

Life after death
If it's true that we are made up of more than one body, what happens after death. Here's the kicker: Only the physical body dies, the other bodies continue to another plane of existence. What does this mean? It means that you, as you know yourself to be, your identity, as you think yourself to be, continues to exist beyond death.
Again, this is a belief, but near-death experiences kind of confirm this phenomenon of life after death.
Isn't it amazing to know and believe, that life exists after death, not as a mere fantasy of our imagination to alleviate the suffering that surrounds death, but as an actual reality, as real as I feel my fingers typing this sentence, if not, more real.

What do you fear?
What is the worst thing you can fear. Most will say death. Some say, they don't fear death, but the experience of dying itself. Oh common, how long are you going to be in this 'process of dying'. Ofcourse, if it's a terminal illness, which is a long process of getting to death, it's going to be painful...But again, it all depends on your perspective. If you firmly believe (with parts of your belief validated consistently by books and maybe your experiences too - out of body experience, for example) that life moves on after death :- you strip your physical body during death
just as you would strip down before you hit the sack, then you are actually releasing a heavyweight, your physical body and becoming lighter..and moving into light. He he, this is getting funny and I am getting light-headed...even more funny.

If you don't fear death, your worst fears are put to rest. Fear of losing a job, fear of losing a relationship, pale in comparison to the fear of death. But if you don't fear death, because of a deep understanding that you gain from reading spiritual books and also from meditation experiences (and/or some might add - salvia divinorum), your whole perspective towards death changes: There's no more deep mourning at funerals, atleast for you, since you understand that this guy who is dead is not really dead and is actually quite happier and lighter with the burden (physical body) that he has shed and you might actually want to celebrate death. And, the wonderful interview above, talks about the importance of understanding in a little more detail, this wonderful death - because it is supposed to be a wonderful experience.

Some books on death:
1) Home with God by Neale Donald Walsch - A clean spiritual book with ground-breaking ideas on death.
2) Heart links by Louise Platt Hauck - A nice book of real life (or death stories) on communicating with the dead or shall we say, 'not so dead'. Ha ha.
3) Buddhist texts - Tibetan book of the dead (I have not read this book).
4) Vedas and upanishads - Not on death per se but throw a lot of light on the ultimate question - "Who am I?" which, amazingly is consistent with all the spiritual literature I have come across on the question of human identity.

Spiritual books inventory

I thought a post on the books I have read, am reading, wish to read would make up a good post. Also, in future posts, I would like to capture the essence of these books.
I will be continually modifying this blog as I read more and more books and I will also capture the essence of the books briefly below.

Books read:

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1) The Complete works of Swami Vivekanada - An astounding book covering the vedantic philosophy of monotheism and eternal reality. Also covers the four prinicple yogas - Karma, Jnana, Bhakti and Raja yoga in detail. Swami Vivekanada was a great spiritual leader and monk. His most famous quote is: "Arise, awake. Stop not till the goal is reached".

2) Conversations with God series (Neale Donald Walsch) which include several books: Book 1,2,3. Home with God. Communion with God. Friendship with God. Tomorrow's God. - A wonderful series.
Note, though this book is titled Conversations with God - this book is not affliated with any religion and it revolutionizes the idea of what a God is - God is more than a mere person - God is emptiness. God is the all in all. God is life and God is Change.

3) Soul stories by Gary Zukav - Simple life stories, but profound spiritual lessons - That's the essential theme of this book. The life stories are taken from the author's life but the author took the liberty to modify them as necessary.

4) Past lives, Future Growth by Armand Marcotte - See life through the eyes of an accomplished Psychic. I believe that we are all psychics. Many people cosider psychic powers to be otherworldly. But Psychic powers are something that can be as intrinisic as the power of sight, the power of speech or the power of hearing. It can basically be seen as a latent power.
The essence of this book is that many problems we face in life might be carried over from past lives. We live lives to understand who we are and basically remember who we are through life's various experiences. If we don't learn our lessons in one life, those lessons need to be learnt in subsequent lives.
The essential perspective is that life's trials and tribulations are lessons for us - lessons for developing our character, lessons to grow spiritually, lessons to realize who we truly are and what our true potential is. Some lessons not learnt in previous lives are therefore carried forth to subsequent lives and this is where Armand comes into the picture - He lets you know what is the lesson to be learnt from the trial you are undergoing. He is helped by his spirit guides as is described in the book.
A wonderful book - I suggest you read this book with an open mind and be open to the ideas in the book, which are more important.

5) Miscellaneous ebooks: There are many ebooks that I have read that gave me a good understanding of the essence of Hindu Philosophy. You can look for ebooks by Swami Sivananda, Vivekananda, Krishnananda. Hindu Philosophy and new-age spirituality have a lot in common.
Both agree on the oneness of life - the essence of all kinds of life forms - animals, humans, even inanimate objects such as rocks, pebbles, and mountains is the same. Interestingly, String theory in Physics also says that the fundamental unit of matter is "Energy"!!! These energy are represented through strings which vibrate at different rates. The different rates of vibrations totally decide the shape, density, colour and other characteristics of matter (objects) that we see around the world. What does this mean? Appearances can be deceptive. According to string theory, strings (Energy forms) are more fundamental than the elementary particles discovered by Quantum physics.
In this context of string theory and Quantum physics, I have a read called "Hyperspace" by Michio Kaku. I highly recommend this book for readers who are interested in the progress made by physics in the past few decades in the understanding of what matter is fundamentally made up of.

6) "Call" - I read this book at the udub book store today (June 5th 2008). It's a book that in very plain english explains how the author had his spiritual call. Everyone receives the call, only a few are aware of it, and fewer heed it. The book explores the type of calls one can receive and is a philosophical delight to read.

7) Songs of the soul - I read this book recently (June 2nd 2008). It's a basic but very foundational book in how one begins on the spiritual path.
The key concepts are forgiveness, unconditional love (this word is often the least understood word in our human experience), one-ness of beings. The all in all is verily the self. The self is verily unconditional love, total joy, and total freedom.
All these words are synonyms of the essence, the brahman, the atman, the tao, the chi, the prana, the father, the holy spirit, the jesus, the rama, the krishna, the GOD. In Art of living, I believe, there is an exercise where you say to the other person, "You belong to me". This is a practical expression of "We are all one".
Note, that this needn't be a metaphorical statement and it is not. The essence in everybody is the same, the energy that drives the universe is present in every sentient and non-sentient object and that energy is "who you really are".

8) Soul Traveler by Albert Taylor - Describes the experiences of Albert Taylor in astral travel. We are pure consciousness covered by layers of bodies - There is the physical body, the astral body, the causal body, and so on. Albert actually narrates through his experiences what it feels like to shed one body and assume another one.
Taylor highlights that although soul travel might seem like an extreme adventure, out of the world experience (literally), such experiences also come with a sense of responsibility.
Books in progress:

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1) Joy of living: A wonderfully simple book that touches on the various aspects of meditation from a Buddhist perspective. What are the common pitfalls that a beginner faces. Strategies to regularize the meditation practice. Fruits of meditation. Some results of scientific tests on the benefits of meditation.

2) The power is within you by Louise HaY: Louise Hay writes the book with utter simplicity so as to make the book easily comprehendable. Through various examples and true stories she relates the power of affirmations. The essence of this book is "What you believe, you become". But my personal perspective is that affirmations alone are not enough to attain equanimity and peace of mind. Though affirmations can be used to supplement a core spiritual practice that involves some kind of meditation. On second thoughts, I realize that prayer is also a form of meditation and affiramations can fall in that category.

3) Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi: A very powerful intellectual book that describes the conversations that the great being Sri Ramana Maharshi had with people who came to his Ashram during the early 1900's. Sri Ramana Maharshi is a proponent of 'Jnana Yoga'. The question "Who am I?" is fundamental to many of the conversations in the book. It takes a long time to go through the pages of the book since you can't just do a light reading. The recorded conversations make you think about your own identity during the process of reading.



Books to be read:

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1) The Tibetan book of the Dead.
2) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
3) New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.
4) A rigorous study of upanishads. There are many sources on the web to get
materials on the upanishads. The vedanta and upanishads form a core part of Hindu Philosophy, which by the way has little to do with the rituals of the Hindu Religion, atleast at the surface. The basis for the rituals could ofcourse be argued to be found in the philosophy.